What does it mean to be a good person?
I think just being just. Sometimes 1+1 can equal 3. Things aren’t always black and white, on the other hand my pious grandmother used to say: “what’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong”.
Tzedek Tzedek Tirdof
Ballrooms and Bawling
During Covid, I had moved solo (yet again) to an affordable apartment in my hometown of Los Angeles, California. Sometime after, I had discovered an advertisement for ballroom-dance classes near my simple studio. Being that i had enjoyed choreographing/dancing during my formative years as well as post high school, i decided to partake in individual lessons with a skilled instructor. It felt surreal. I had frequented clubs and bars in the past and engaged in the scandalous *mixed dancing* of the genders but this was different. Edgar had a desire for me to partner with him for contests after he had observed the way i swayed to the rhythm of the music he had excitedly played for me in the elegant and large ballroom of Koreatown. Our sessions felt erotic and intimate. We moved to evocative Gothic/Soulful music at a point as he supported me in his strong yet gentle arms. To him, it was instinctive. I guess he picked up on my meloncholy aura. Evanescence was always a favorite of mine growing up. I feel fortunate to have had that paradoxical experience.
Celebrate Good Times
I recently discovered that one of my ancestors who married into my German maternal side of the family happened to have been born in the town of Satmar. I found that to be truly fascinating being that i was raised with partially Chabad Chasidic theology and her lineage was/is known to be an adversary of Lubavitch (Chabad). Her name was *Chana Leah*. The commonality between sects of Judiasm is interesting. Different perspectives but at the end of the day the roots are the same.
The 1st photo displays 20 year old me (*gasp) in attendance of a high school classmate’s wedding in the Chaseedish neighborhood of Williamsburg, New York. I was very stressed out at the time and endured a lot emotionally, mentally and physically but i guess sometimes a plastured smile on one’s face doesn’t necessarily mean that they are actually content and peaceful on the inside. *Sheker Hachein* (false is the charm) is a very real concept. One can never know what is truly going on in someone’s life beyond the photograph. I did have a good time at that wedding though and maybe my facial expression does exude some semblance of happiness. I’m unsure but regardless, 20 years ago- *a smile is always seen on her face* was one of the sentences that was used to describe 17 year old me. Serena Williams is known to have encouraged that facial expression: “I’ve had to learn to fight all my life – got to learn to keep smiling. If you smile things will work out.” That wise piece of advise impacted me. It also makes me lose myself in wonder because i see so many seemingly *happy* people that are miserable and empty on the inside. *Shrug* .
The 2nd photo is of my great grandfather Marcus Flamm. I’m so glad his photograph was found years after a copy of it was unfortunately, 😔 😪 carelessly removed from my parents’ abode fresh after their divorce. I grieved over it for a very long time. I’ve never had the honor of meeting him but just seeing his picture on many occasion gave me strength to persevere in a challenging environment. He will always be my *Moredchai* and I his Esther. A Jewish Privateer, and a once incarcerated being, he overcame life’s hardships in an inspiring and influential way.
The last image is of Chana Leah Flamm. Marcus Flamm’s sister in law from Satmar. I dont know much about her but I think its cool we share the same name 😀 and is a part of my diverse lineage.
Hindsight
What’s one thing you know now that would have saved your younger self a lot of pain?
Being my own best friend 🧡 is safest.
My Orthodox Wedding
*Mee Adeer* was sung by my beloved grandfather, Sydney Flamm. The same beautiful garden where I hosted a big birthday party for my schoolmates, witnessed us exchanging our everlasting vows of love for eachother. I wore a few different wedding gowns as was previously posted.
The Bedekin was a bit Unorthodox.
The Mitvah Tanz felt mostly somber as projected. In those moments as i held onto the Gartel, i so wished certain deceased people were present as guests. A rendition of *our song* played towards the closing of the long meaningful last wedding dance. We love Dido. 😍😋🤭
I was privileged to have had two wonderful humans accompany me down the aisle. There are no words to express just how much love and adoration I have for the beautiful and talented Ms.Spears. ♥️
The Best Part 👌 👍 😍 🥰 ☺️ 💖
The after party a few days later. ♥️🤭🙏🥱☺️
Trophy Wife 🏆 Woes
When i watched “The White Lotus”, I couldn’t help but resonate with the word *appendage*. Now that im married thankfully, a part of me feels like an accessory to my successful and charismatic spouse. I attend the galas, the weddings ect but all of this can feel super overwhelming. I love getting all dolled up dont get me wrong, but im kinda used to having *main character energy* being that ive been single for almost half my life. Im thankful this platform pivoted to a bit more self expression so that I too, have a sounding board that cheers ME on regularly. I guess what I’m trying to convey is: I feel seen here, so thank you for reading and understanding my thoughts during these revolutionary 15 years. It means alot to me. G-d bless.
